Go Away Bear! (The Visitors - Part 1)

In my younger days I had probably one of the greatest jobs in the entire world, I wrangled wild black bears. Most of the time I came away unscathed, sometimes I wasn't so lucky... those 12 to 15 pounders can sometimes put up quite the vicious fight. Fortunately the damage they inflicted could usually be covered by a superhero Band-Aid. Usually in the end though, I wrastled them into the cage so they could begin their fattening up process.

My most formidable opponent to date.

Alas...such was the life of a man who cared for orphaned bear cubs. I couldn't really coax the oohs and ahhs out of the crowd when my opponents usually weighed less than my right calf. Though I was working with multiple bears every day they rarely tipped the scales over 20 pounds. Oh how I longed to work with the big boys. If only I could get a chance to work with a bear over a few hundred pounds maybe then my stories could at least earn an "Oh my" out of a girl...even if it was probably only going to be my mom.

I wanted that once-in-a-lifetime chance so bad I begged the lead biologist at the nearby National Park to use me "however he needed me" as a volunteer for bear work. Yep...I was willing to do anything.

Months went by with no return calls.

In the meantime, family came to visit us in our lonely little abode way up in the mountains… some say for support, others say for pity, I say it was for Pigeon Forge. One of those visitors was a distant cousin-in-law and her new boyfriend...well, for the sake of his identity we'll just call him "Bill".  Considering Bill, my wife's cousin, and her five-year-old daughter showed up at our doorstep wearing a Flyin' Petes Sky-Bungee wristband I can't help but think we were serving as a "cheap motel" for their Pigeon Forge vacation.

I didn't care...the bottom line is we had visitors. And if there's one thing that could cure the ailments of a homesick wife, it was talkin' to someone from back home. Before I knew it, the wife, the cousin and that small child thing were headin' into town to buy some "serveneers" for who knows who.

Yep... it was just me and Bill.

A man who I had never laid eyes on before let alone spoken to...standin' in the driveway

{{{Awkward silence...}}}

Me: Long drive?

Bill: Yep

Me: You drive straight through?

Bill: Yep

Me: You must be pretty tired.

Bill: Yep

{{{All right, change strategies… Stop asking questions that could be answered with a single syllable.}}}

Me: So... What do you do for a living?

Bill: I just got out of the Army. I used to jumped out of airplanes.

Me: Well, I'm glad you gave that up...Delta probably wouldn't have been too happy with you. {{{Feeble attempt at an ice-breaker}}}

Bill: I told you we drove down. {{{Attempt failed miserably}}}

Me: Okay...How about a beer Bill?

Bill: Sure. Did you hear I used to jump out of airplanes?

(Note to self… Bill doesn't like to joke and the self-confidence that is instilled in new army recruits is still humming. Seriously...I could literally hear it.)

Me: Yeah, that's pretty cool. Hey, after we drink this I'm going to have to run down to the pens and feed the bears.

Bill: You have REAL bears?

Me: Yeah, I figured you would've been told that by now.

Bill: They said something but I didn't think you had real bears. Can I go down to the pens? I'd love to get in there with them and do some of that bear work.

Me: Sorry Bill… I can't take anyone down there. This isn't any kind of petting zoo. We're trying to get these bears ready for release so they can't be around any people.

Bill: Damn…well you let me know if there's any bear work for me to do. You know I used to jump out of airplanes?

Me: Well... let's toast and drink up because this is sure going to be one hell of a week! {{{I'm quite sure my eyes rolled as I chugged the beer as fast as I could.}}}

**************

Fortunately the next few days weren't so bad. Bill and crew were off bright and early each day returning only at night with more wristbands and serveneers than one could ever imagine. Understandably on the fourth day...they rested. Their plan was to keep us company for a few days, though in the back of my mind I was thinking it was to make sure they had enough gas money to make it back home.

That's when the call came.

"Hey Daryl, it's Kim from the Park. You still interested in doing some bear work for me?"

"Heck yeah!" I exclaimed.

I stopped myself short of telling him he couldn't have called at a better time.

"Whatcha got for me Kim?"

"Well, here's the situation. We've had a really aggressive bear getting into some tents up at campsite #10. We've had it closed down for a couple of weeks. Would you be willing to head up there tonight, camp out, and report back to me on any bear activity?"

Without hesitation I accepted. Kim told me that Mr. Stiver, the other park biologist, would stop by at the center to fill me in before I headed out. I thanked him and was undoubtedly smiling like a turd as I hung up the phone.

I was actually going to get to do REAL bear work!

It wasn't until I hung up the phone that it dawned on me.

My first real assignment and I was asked to be bait!

Oh crap...what the hell did I get myself into?

I don't mind hiking and camping alone… but dang... what if that bear is still around? He said it was pretty aggressive. What the hell does that mean? Is there really a chance a bear would come in the campsite? I can't ask my wife to go with me....

At this point in time, I'm sure a visible light bulb actually went off above my head.

HEY BILL!!!!

(To Be Continued...)