Go Away Bear! (Enter the Bear - Part 5)

The low burning embers cast just enough light to silhouette the small metal pot of boiling water containing the Ramen. Even with the chicken seasoning added my Polish protuberance could barely detect the aroma emanating from the soup but I needn't worry. If there was a bear within a mile from camp, he, or she, would smell it. But just to add that extra gooey temptation, I opened the jar of crunchy peanut butter and gathered a hefty scoop. If this was going to be my last meal at least I was going to go out having savored a tasty treat.

I was in the midst of enjoying myself although the trek to the campsite turned out to be quite an ordeal. Not only did we take a wrong turn and double the length of our hike but I found out my trusted army buddy was a tad bit afraid of the dark. Hold on...I take that back. Bill may not have been afraid of the dark. He may have been afraid of bears, or "sick-a-whats", or possibly even the growing possibility of being strangled by his girlfriends cousin-in-law. Regardless of what it was, he sat almost motionless on a log across from me, occasionally wiping the sweat of his brow in a red handkerchief...stick and pepper spray steadfastly gripped tightly in his hands.

The occasional twig snap that pierced through the din of the cicadas had Bill on edge. I briefly entertained the thought of fooling with him by discreetly pitching a few rocks by our tent to make him think a bear was ambling about but the vision of a whirling dervish indiscriminately blasting pepper spray in every direction quickly erased that thought. If he was on edge now I could only imagine how tense he'd be lying in the tent after the fire's glow faded away. No, I best let him try to relax, the man did serve our country so I owed him that much.

The soup was...well, the soup was Ramen, the bland unhearty meal of almost all starving young college students. For some reason Bill wasn't too hungry so I ate his portion as well as mine. Did I mention I was going to make the most of my last meal?

The bear up to this point was a no-show.

I began to ponder whether this was a good thing or bad. If it were to show, it'd be good if it showed while we were wide awake and had all our faculties about us. I had no doubt we could handle ourselves when all of our senses were buzzing. On the other hand if the bear came into camp while both of us were asleep, well...I don't even want to think about those scenarios. Much like my dad's sage advice about walking in the woods at night, "you alone account for almost all your fears, so its no use trying to scare yourself." In other words, don't let your mind get the best of you.

After a quick clean-up and a well-deserved stretch, the first yawn almost came on cue. It's no wonder...it was almost approaching midnight.

*****************

"You ready to turn-in?" I asked Bill.

"You think the bear's gonna come in?" he replied, ignoring my question.

"Dunno." I muttered. "You gonna be able to sleep?"

"Oh yeah, no problem," he replied, his bravado returning to his voice. "This is nothing compared to what I used to do."

"I know Bill...I know."

*****************

Since the thermostat was still set somewhere between sweltering and uncomfortable I didn't bother crawling into my sleeping bag. Rather, I laid on top and scrunched up a sweatshirt as a make-shift pillow. Bill was still outside as I crawled into the mini A-frame. For a moment I thought he'd post watch but as soon as he realized I was no longer sitting with him, he suddenly yawned and got tired. I had no more than finished lying my head on my "pillow" when Bill squeezed his way to join me in the tent.

"Tight in here," he said.

"Yep...but gotta make do with what we got," I replied.

"How do you want me to lay?" he asked.

There was silence as I contemplated this question, scrambling to decipher the meaning. Did he mean face-to-face, head-to-toe? Oh my gosh, If spooning even crossed his mind I swear I was gonna kick him outta the tent altogether.

"Lay however you want," I murmured, hoping he would get the hint that I'd soon be fast asleep.

And fortunately I was...

...and a short time later, my worst nightmare came true.

*****************

The bear was as threatening and as menacing as my subconscious fears. He came in slow like a sinister rolling fog, an ominous creeping black shadow. 

The faint glow of the coals silhouetted the bear that was now between the tent and the campfire. He looked massive. I prayed his size was due to an optical illusion from my vantage point. Not too often does one look "up" at a bear but given my head was three inches from the ground that was the only perspective I had. I was literally paralyzed to move.

The stout male had his nose pressed firmly to the ground intent on letting his olfactory sense lead him to his evening's nourishment. I could see dirt and leaf debris fly outward from his muzzle with each powerful exhale from his over zealous snout. It was astounding how he retraced my steps. He not only located where I sat down to eat my mostly liquid meal (had I spilled a few drops?) but he thoroughly examined the exact spot on the log where the jar of peanut butter sat only hours before.

I almost let out an audible gasp when he placed his paw upon a mailbox-sized rock that outlined the exterior edge of the fire ring. Not only did the black hairy paw resemble a dinner plate with claws but a mere flick of his wrist sent the 50-pound stone rolling away as if a semi-weightless balloon. He licked the ground at whatever he found interesting beneath where the rock had lain. 

I didn't realize it at the time but I was literally holding my breath. I subconsciously feared the bear would hear my breathing, if not my pounding heartbeat. What the heck was I to do?

Before I could think, the bear focused his attention on something off to my right. As he ambled by he was close enough for me to hear his silent footfalls, though I'm sure I didn't hear them...I felt them.

He paused, but a mere six feet from the tent where I lay. The object that drew his fancy was now clenched between the two powerful claws of his forelimbs. I strained my eyes deliberately trying not to move so I could see what he had found.  It was Bill's sweat-soaked handkerchief!

Incredulously I watched as the bear lowered his beach ball-sized head to the damp red sweat rag Bill had used.

At first he nuzzled it...then he drank in its smells.

His deep audible respirations growing more and more intense. Almost as if he was getting worked up. 

A string of saliva seeped from his lower jaw, dangling like threaded lace. 

A pit formed in my stomach thinking about the possibility that the bear's excited state was simply a Pavlovian response. Was the sweat soaked rag akin to a dinner bell?

Horrific thoughts began racing through my head.

What was I to do? Before I knew it I was instinctively fumbling for the pepper spray. It had to be close by. I had no light within the tent. I looked downward and strained my eyes half expecting to miraculously be granted night vision. I began to panic and fumbled around some more less wary of my movements or any sounds I may have made. I was now breathing rapidly. 

As I was about to wake Bill my greatest fear was coming true.

A light bulge formed on the silky thin fabric of the tent. 

It slowly pressed forward and much to my utter terror created the perfect outline of the bear's husky snout. That's when the sound broke my will...

...it was the sound of the bear's deep and lustful inhale.

Instinctively I screamed at the top of my lungs...."GO AWAY BEAR!!...Go!....Get Outta Here!!! GO AWAY!!!!"

***********************

All was quiet as my faculties gradually returned. 

I lie still as the synapses at my nerve endings performed their only duty and my brain functions slowly awakened. Though I was becoming "aware" the only visible portion of my body that moved were my eyelids. I blinked a few times then focused on opening my eyes fully.

The sun had risen and there was a moist dew blanketing the inside of the bright green tent. The cicadas had quieted and had it not been for a few nearby sparrows looking for love it would have been strangely quiet.

What the heck was going on?

I laid motionless trying to piece together the terrifying events of the night before. Then it all registered and the overwhelming relief of realizing it was all just a dream swept through my body. The fact that I was still alive and no worse-for-wear was almost zen-like and I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled.

Then my eyes shot wide open as a fleeting memory kept dancing in my head. 

The last thing I distinctly remembered was shouting "Go Away Bear!" at the top of my lungs. Gosh...it seemed so unbelievably real.

Then it dawned on me....

"Occasionally" I have a bad habit of talking in my sleep.

Have you ever have the notion you did something really bad the night before but couldn't quite remember it? It was as if I was reliving my early college years. 

Could I have?

No...surely I didn't.

Did I?

Now I wasn't so sure.

I still hadn't moved...but it was time I asked Bill.

I rolled over...

*******************

I'll never forget how white and pasty he looked, all curled-up in the corner of that bright green tent. He was sitting Indian-style, arms folded over his tightly crossed legs, nervously rocking back and forth. His bulging eyes rivaled a surprised Marty Feldman. I don't think he blinked the whole time he was eyeing me up. 

Clenched in his right hand was still the can of pepper spray and in his left, you guessed it...the stick. A bead of sweat poured down his cheek...at least I think it was sweat.

"Mornin'!" I said with a shy smile.

He stared.

I just had to come out and ask.

"Bill...did I ummm...did I happen to talk in my sleep last night."

"YOU'RE GODDAM RIGHT YOU DID!!!" 

Well...it sounded like a reasonable answer so at least I assumed he wasn't in shock.

"Ummm...Did I happen to mention a bear?"

Once again...he not-so-politely assured me I was correct.

"Well..." I was about to tell him of my dream but he interrupted, "I didn't sleep a wink last night! Kept lookin' for that gosh darn bear!"

It was no use trying to explain.

"You wanna head down and get off this mountain?"

Not surprisingly, Bill led the way

******************************

Needless to say, the night at campsite #10 was uneventful, at least from a real bear standpoint. The Park reopened the site, I went back to feeding orphaned black bear cubs, and Bill....well, Bill went back to jumping out of really slow moving vehicles since he retired from the Army. Twenty years have passed and he has yet to return to visit us. Dang...I'm starting to miss him.