Oh To Be a Woman...Not My Best Moment

As rugged or as masculine as my blog stories may sound sometimes, I admit, there were five seconds in my life when I wished I was a woman. Yes it's true.

Many moons ago I was asked by the Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation to give a presentation at their annual banquet. The topic was to be elk restoration efforts in the East, especially the wonderful efforts in Tennessee, my adopted state. Being heavily involved in the Tennessee elk program I jumped at the chance. Up to that point in time most of my involvement revolved around tracking elk on the Cumberland Plateau. After all, chasing elk in the middle of the night in rugged and desolate country, well..."it just don't get no better than that". Needless to say, I was quick to volunteer my speaking services, by far, that is my professional strong point.

I had about three months to prepare my talk, yet the day before I was to speak in front of a crowd of over a hundred, I was still staring at a blank PowerPoint presentation. One would think my procrastination is a horrible trait, it is not. It is intentional. I find I do my best work when it is crunch time. Without a doubt my creative juices flow in the thirteenth hour and my best products are born. And boy were those juices flowing.

I was putting together the best elk presentation I ever created. Considering it was the first and only elk presentation I ever created I apparently set the bar low, but to be perfectly honest I was extremely happy with it. So much so, that I could not take myself away from the computer. It was due in part not just because of the satisfaction I was getting from putting together a kick-butt presentation, but mostly because I was still working on the presentational 15 minutes before I was to be on stage. I was ignoring all distractions, from noisy coworkers to the growing pressure in my lower bowels. All that could wait...the masterpiece was almost done.

Like clockwork I finished the presentation with five minutes to spare. Fortunately the event center was just a few minutes down the road. Do I use the restroom now or wait until I get there? Crap!...I only have five minutes to get there!

I was like Green Lightning making my way to the banquet (FYI - green is the standard issued jacket for the agency I worked for). Squealing into the parking lot, I threw the truck into park in the closest parking spot I could find to the front door which was way too far away. I reached over and grabbed my laptop and projector. That's when it happened. My bowels said you will ignore me no more. I grimaced in pain, gritted my teeth and said to myself, "Not now. Oh Lord...please not now."

My prayer bought me another 30 seconds.

I was like a toddler in his training pants who suddenly realizes he can't hold it any longer. You know exactly what I'm talking about. I was a spittin' image of that four-year old minus the "grabbing himself" part. And unfortunately this wasn't an issue that could be easily remedied behind a tree if you know what I mean.  I ran the final 50 yards to the door and I don't believe my knees ever separated.

I was immediately greeted by the chapter president who was eagerly awaiting my arrival. My agency uniform must've given me away. Apparently he was as anxious as I was for my arrival. Imagine his surprise when before I even introduced myself my first question was, "Can you show me where the restrooms are?"

He must've seen the strain in my expression (aka tears in my eyes) for he immediately gestured to the back of the banquet hall. He assured me he would set up the equipment so I dropped my gear and continued my lock-kneed gait making a beeline to the only place that would offer me relief. I reached the door without a second to spare, and was rewarded with a vacant restroom and an open stall only a few feet away. I quickly rushed in, closed the door behind me, and proceeded to....anyway, I won't going to detail but it was one of the most satisfying moments of my life.

As I sat there I realized beads of sweat had formed on my brow from my urgency. I smiled knowing that now, all was well.

I reached over to grab a small sheet of toilet paper to dab my brow and gather my thoughts, that's when I noticed a shiny silver trashcan above the dispenser. After drying my brow I lifted the lid to toss the now moistened brow-kerchief. I peered inside.

What the heck is that? 

And why does it have a string?

It looks like a...

OH...

MY...

All was not well.

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Suddenly I realized beads of sweat had reformed on my brow.

Yes...I was sitting on the porcelain thrown...IN THE LADIES ROOM.

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What do I do?     What do I do?     What do I do?

Ok first off...don't panic!

You were fortunate enough to walk in here when it was completely vacant, just finish your business as quickly as possible and hightail it out of there and hope no one sees you coming out. I reached over for the toilet paper roll like that scene from "Dumb and Dumber."

Just then the door to the ladies room opened.

In walked a woman with black high heels.

And I didn't even get a chance to finish.

There were no more beads...there were now full blown drops of sweat raining down.

I looked down to see if my sweat was forming a puddle on the tile floor and my immediate reaction was to draw in my feet. I didn't think the unwanted visitor would be suspicious of someone in the first stall, but my size-12 hiking boots might be more than her suspicion could handle. I took off my fleece jacket and quickly laid it over my boots. Like that would be less suspicious.

Breathe Daryl...just breathe. Finish what you started and prepare to make a break for it as soon as she leaves.

Ever so quietly I finished my business.

A few minutes passed.

Then a few more.

Dang...why was she still there? She hadn't entered the stall next to me and for that I was thankful. Yet she remained at the sink.

Ever so gently I leaned over from my sitting position to peer through that half-millimeter crack between the door and the frame of my stall. She wore a red dress but that was all I could make out. It appeared as if her arms were flailing so my guess was that she was applying makeup or doing something with her hair. I prayed she wasn't flailing her arms trying to breathe. No, don't think the worse...it had to be her hair.

My heart was pounding.

I was due on stage in just a few minutes, yet there I was... trapped in the ladies room, held captive by an overzealous makeup fiend in a red dress. C'mon lady…looks aren't that important! And those black heels don't even go with that dress!!!

If only I was a woman for just five seconds I could get myself out of this predicament.

Just then the lady in red with poor shoe choice gathered her things and headed for the door.

Okay...grab your fleece, get your hand on the knob of the stall door, and prepare to make a mad dash before someone else comes in.

The moment after the ladies room door shut after her departure, I made my dash. I was going to get out of this without getting arrested!

In one fluid motion, I put my hand on the handle of the ladies-room door, swung it open, and spun  myself around...as if I was heading "into" the bathroom. It was a good thing too because as I emerged from the ladies room, a guy was emerging from the men's room which was immediately across the hallway from me.

I jumped into the hallway.

"Whoa! I almost walked into the ladies room!"

He laughed, smiled, and returned to the banquet.

I ran into the men's room and splashed some cold water on my face...

...I had a kick-butt elk presentation to give and give it I did.

And that was the last time I ever entertained the thought of being a woman.